I can remember so many Sunday’s where the pastor would teach on a topic and in my private mind space my thoughts were swimming. Swimming with insecurities for not knowing what the pastor was talking about. Swimming with fascination to know more. Swimming with questions of if this then what about that. You name it. The issue was clear, I did not know a lot of the Bible. Sure I read this verse and that verse, especially when I needed to feel good about something. If I’m totally honest I would also sometimes look up scripture to validate my thoughts that someone else’s actions were wrong.

After I made the choice that I wanted to believe that every word of the Bible was true. I longed to sit in the congregation on Sunday’s and for my thoughts to be be able to have a silent agreement or side talk with God regarding the topic. It just wasn’t happening. I had many rounds of wrestling in my mind as to why I wasn’t hearing God. Looking back, many things attributed to it. I wasn’t hearing because my day was full of many other things (child, work, marriage, house, hobbies, outings and the list is endless). My feet hit the floor in the mornings and I was lucky to make it to bed at night. Sure, I tried to read my Bible laying there exhausted from the day. Five minutes later, Bible on the chest or the floor, me asleep, I had successfully read the same verse I had tried to read the past four days. If efforting and striving could magically make you hear from the creator of the universe, I would have hit the gold pot. But I didn’t.

At that time, I was a member in a small group and I remember watching a DVD series where a teacher asked each of us “Can you commit to just 5 minutes a day?”. “Five minutes?”, I asked myself. Of course I could read anything for five minutes. Except I couldn’t. I could not believe that I could manage a career, keep a child alive and a home from burning down, yet, I could not read my Bible for five minutes. Five minutes. It wasn’t until I was honest with myself that reality set in. Shoot, I needed coffee to send me off to work, caffeine to keep me there. I needed close to a perfect quite at home or I might break down. I was squealing into the church parking lot on two wheels just to make it to small group and I was still late. The question arose in my mind “What do I need to be able to read my Bible for five minutes?”. Desire. The word was just there. Desire. The reality shook me. Desire. I needed the desire to read my Bible? Did I not have the desire? I picked it up every night and read in it until I fell asleep. Wasn’t that desire? That was effort, not desire. There it was again. I fully believe we make time for what truly has a place in our heart. We also make time for the things we have allowed in our lives due to straight up wounds. None the less, we make time for things we truly accept as important.

If what I had was effort and what I needed was desire, I was simply empty. I had nothing. I couldn’t make myself have desire. It was by the grace of God that the following even took place. My prayer structure then looked way different than now (who knows if God would have me share those prayers, I would pray not), but the words I was capable of breathing out to my creator was “God, please give me the desire to read my Bible. Amen.”. It came from a place of knowing that I was “trying” to read the Bible. A place that shook my core, of knowing I had no desire. That if I truly had desire, reading it would be as natural as breathing. Those 11 words formed into a request have changed my life. You see, God, our creator, our Father, He loves us so much and wants to bless us. That night God blessed me. He gave me what I was not able to give myself. Desire.

The next morning, I kid you not, my Bible on the nightstand was like a beaming blinking Las Vegas sign with the words “Read Me!” On it. Read me it called. My response was “ok! I would love to read you.”. Of course, when we make a commitment to God like that, it is not long before temptation or something comes your way to interfere. This was no different. Reading the Bible each day didn’t just happen. Life got in the way still. Beckoning to interfere with the new found relationship I was establishing. The difference was, I had a seed solidified within me. All I had to do was ask God for the desire and when I did, He always responded.

Lord, I pray for any reader today who struggles with reading your word. May they confess that to you. May they ask you for true desire. May they gain a true desire to read your word through your blessing, your answer to their request. If they need help with desire Lord, I pray you grant them true, deep desire to know you. To read your word. The desire to learn your character. Help them transform into the person you have created them to be. I ask this believing your word, every letter is used to teach us. To establish our relationship with Jesus, the one who died for us. Amen