Does God love me if I am going through this?

I knew The Lord would have me write soon. My desire was to put some time in between “the news” and my thoughts. I have spent days here on the mountain top, with my Lord, to hear what He has to say to me. When we face hard times, what The Lord has to say is EVERYTHING. We can not trust our thoughts and emotions, as they are greatly led by our past, our upbringings, our experiences and those result in untruths that we will live out over and over again if we are not examining them and comparing them to Scripture. In times of trial, we must turn to the active living Word of God. His word is what stands true through all of our days. Through all of our trials. 

This past summer my family was camping and we decided to hike to a remote place where there was just enough land for a couple of chairs and a fishing rod. The hike there was where it became obvious that I needed medical attention. I could not get enough air into my lungs. I was unsure of the why, but made an appointment for the following day. 

I left the appointment with a prescription for an inhaler and no answers. They took a chest x-ray in office and by the time I was driving home a phone call directed me to go directly to the ER. My left lung was three quarters surrounded by two liters of fluid. Looking back, there were signs that I should have paid more attention to, but I was pushing through, something I do….

There was a lengthy hospital stay. A releasing from the hospital. Multiple scans and x-rays. A second hospital stay for a VATS (Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery), breast implant removal and chest tube placement.  That stay resulted in what we did not want to hear. A second primary cancer, lung cancer. 

So that is my circumstance…but what God does through the hard is where the faith building growth occurs. It is what I am amazed at daily. It was not because many of His righteous followers were not praying, oh they were. I’m certain there are some that question whether God listens or cares. Otherwise, why didn’t He answer their prayers? Why am I having to go through this? God is always at work….through it all. He is always at work for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purpose. It is us who has a distorted view of being a follower of Christ on Earth. We find ourselves wanting all the hard to go away or believing if God loved us, He would take this away or or or the list goes on. His people, here on Earth, we will suffer. We will experience hardship. God is still God with a plan on His throne. Praise Him that in Heaven we will no longer suffer this hard stuff. But here, on Earth….sickness, sadness and suffering happen. We can walk through our hard stuff multiple ways. He gives us the will to choose to seek Him and follow Him or to remain in our wounded or self focused states. Be honest right now for yourself, are you trusting God’s plan and purpose for you or are you planning out and walking out your plan? Would a hard circumstance alter what you think about God?

This circumstance my family is walking through right now is not just all about the hard. I have, through prayer, experienced God guiding me to next steps. Even when I was the only advocate insisting on what He said. I have had the opportunity to speak about my faith to so many. God continues to keep me a “mystery” to my oncology team. How God is carrying me through this is showing others that He will carry them too. I have had peace. I have witnessed my community surround me with prayer, encouragement, gift cards, meals, visits and list goes on. This has grown me! It is so hard for me to receive help. I know that God is working in the hearts of so many and in me in so many different ways. This circumstance is not null. For nothing. But the choice to seek Him was mine. Through my faith, God is working for His good and my good. Our lives, the cards we are dealt, they play out. Without God we can be train wreck after train wreck. With God we can walk through hard times in peace with Him. Would I choose this and say ”Yes! I’ll take that one!”…no, no I would not. I want to be transparent. But since I have a cellular make up that predisposes me to this, I had a choice on how to walk that out. I choose to seek God.

It is in times of the hardest trials that we experience God the fullest. Let me say that again in other terms. If our lives were easy and nothing going wrong and everything on plan. Would we really seek God? I can only speak for myself here and say that it is through the HARD times that I have felt God grow me and speak and encourage and show me who He has surrounded me with to walk out my faith and community. It is through the HARD times that God has proven His love and faithfulness to me. It is through the hard times that I began to trust God with the small things….and trust was a wound for me….it was hard. I am thankful that God knows our deepest hearts and loves us right there, enough to heal us day by day closer to the image He has for us. Restoring our souls day by day as we seek Him and find Him. 

What does that look like you ask? Are you all in and want to experience walking a life of faith? Do you see others faith and want what they have? Maybe you want to trust God and what He has for you, but you don’t know how? Maybe you are set on the plans you have for your life and you fear God would change that up? Do you have a set list of things you enjoy and you don’t want God to disrupt that? What ever the case may be, we were all created by God to take part in His Kingdom work. To seek Him and find Him and help others find Him. We will all be judged according to how well we did that. God will help us each step…the decision to take the step is ours. 

Read the Bible. You don’t have desire? Been there! Confess that to God, Ask Him to give you the desire. 

Examine your true self verse by verse. Ask yourself and God questions. Do I believe that is true? Do I behave like I know that to be true? Accept where you are right now today. Do not beat yourself up. Praise God for any verses that, after you examine yourself, you come to believe that the verse is true for you. Pray to God and ask Him to help you believe the verses you don’t. Confess that to Him. Do you know how many times my prayers have been shaped something like “God I believe your word is true and I have no idea why is don’t feel true to me. I ask you heal whatever is inside of me keeping my from believing this and I ask you to reveal anything to me that you need me to know.”. He is so faithful to move. 

Pray. 5 years ago our ministry leader assigned prayer partners, much to my huge eye roll. I was a terrible partner. My sweet friend would come time and time again. Time and time again I would say “I’m good. She would share her heart. I would end our time with I will pray.”. I did. I prayed for her. Somehow by the grace God has given her, we still pray. Many have we seen God move some HUGE mountains. The Bible says where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there as well. We have to step outside our fears of being close to people and find safe, God seeking prayer partners. 

Ask God to give you a God seeking faithful community of people. A small group that is seeking God and pursuing a life living out His Word. I can’t stress enough the importance of the structure of a faith based group. They have to be safe for every member. Seeking God’s word for answers, for teaching, for rebuke and for promises is a must. Alcohol should not be part of the gathering. Gossiping or talking about others or circumstances should not be part of the gathering. God. He should be the focus. 

Spend time daily just you and God. If silence is hard for you at first, start with a minute of listening and increase it a bit each day. If you don’t feel like you have time, ask God what needs to go. Simply put, if we are filling our days with things that leave no time for God, that is a choice. Something will need to go. Try a statement fast. That is what I call them. You know God is Creator. He created us. He is not our wish list genie. Our wish is not His command. We have to see God for who He is. He is our Alpha, The LORD of all lords. He is the one with The Plan. I think we sometimes have britches that are too big for us. 🙂 Simply put, if we do not grow ourselves to hear and seek God’s plan, we are living our plan and that don’t end well. What ends well is God’s promises for you. Peace. An eternity with Him.

Faith based Counseling may be needed. It was a hard step for me to take and I am still growing in vulnerability….but I would still be where I was if I hadn’t taken the step. Hard steps to healing are certainly better than remaining in the same hurt and the same wounds and same cycles your whole life.

Father help us to seek you. Give us the strength to be honest with ourselves and You. Lord protect our hearts from the wounds that keep us from you. I ask that you heal us enough to come to you. Help us take a step toward you. Speak to us Lord. You know our deepest thoughts and wounds. Help us to hear your voice and follow your lead. Surround us Lord with community. Those who will help us walk a life with You. I ask these things believing they are your desire too. Protect us from all things that would keep us from pursuing the love You have for us. Open our eyes to any wounds we have believed that is keeping us from the freedoms you have for us. Amen.